


That Probably Could Have Gone Better

by Eliizabethx



Series: Sense8 AU [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sense8 (TV) Fusion, Anxiety, Coming Out Sensate, Getting Together, Hawke (Dragon Age) Gets a Hug, Hawke (Dragon Age) Has Anxiety, Hawke (Dragon Age) Has a Twin, Hawke (Dragon Age) Needs a Hug, Hawke (Dragon Age) is Bad at Explaining His Feelings to People Not in His Head, Love Confessions, M/M, Morning After, Nervousness, Non-Explicit Sex, Rating Bumped up for 2nd Chapter, Sensate Cluster(s), Soft/Fluffy Shit, tw: almost anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-01-03 12:09:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21179189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eliizabethx/pseuds/Eliizabethx
Summary: I had been planning how to tell Anders about us for a while now but... this wasn’t one of the scenarios I had imagined.





	1. Definitely Could Have Gone Worse

“I love when you go all hot-headed revolutionary,” I said unthinkingly, reaching out to tuck a piece of blonde hair behind his ear. This casual flirting had been happening between us for a long time, but I didn’t want it to just be flirting anymore, I didn’t want to keep dancing around the attraction I felt for him.

I wanted to tell him about me (about _us_), I wanted to tell him how I felt, I wanted to know if he felt the same about me. But the flirting had become an easy habit, despite my resolution to tone it down until we had spoken.

The frown on his face and pain in his eyes was leading me to worry that I might have been a coward for a little too long.

“Hawke...” He took a step away from me, looking sad and regretful, not quite meeting my eye for a moment. I felt frozen as he took a deep breath before speaking again. “I’ve tried to hold back.”

_Wait what?_ Now I was the one frowning, in confusion.

“You _saw_ what I almost did to that girl, if you hadn’t stopped Justice- You've seen what I am.”

_Oh Maker, he looks like a kicked Mabari puppy, what happened? What did I do? Fuck, we should have kept talking about cats!_

“But I’m still a man. You keep teasing me, but you can’t expect me to be able to resist forever.”

“Wait what?” I really wish that hadn’t been what came out of my mouth first, but like so many situations before this – too late now. “Anders, I don’t want you to resist, I want-”

I didn’t even get a chance to bumble my way into the conversation I had planned on having _before_ this one, seeing how he took that moment to surge forward and kiss me.

I hadn’t been expecting it (any of it really), so it was painfully inelegant, but Void take me if it wasn’t bloody fantastic too.

The man kissed like he was drowning. Or maybe I was the one drowning? Fuck I didn’t know, but he was passionate and frantic, and I eagerly met every moment of it.

His hands were holding my head as he directed the kiss, and I came to my senses enough to wrap my own around his waist, pulling us as close to each other as possible.

When he pulled back I was dazed, flustered, and probably smiling like an absolute idiot.

His hands dropped from my face like he wasn’t sure he was still allowed to touch, but when he tried to step back my previously useless hands tightened their grip on his ratty coat and held him still.

“Anders...” My voice cracked quietly as I struggled to get my equilibrium back. Anders was watching me with a nervously fond look, and spoke again before I had the chance.

“This is a disaster, but Maker... we could die tomorrow. I don’t want it to be before I tell you how I feel.”

I felt like I almost swallowed my tongue in my rush to reassure him.

“I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

He gave me a small, sad little smile. “I thought with Justice... this part of me was over,” he confessed, tentatively leaning forward to briefly rest his forehead against mine. I felt like I could die right now and be happy.

“I can’t give you a normal life. If you’re with me, we’ll be hunted, hated. The whole world will be against us.”

I felt like I deserved something for managing to smother the little hysterical laugh that tried to bubble up at his words.

_ Oh, sweet thing, I’m already hunted and hated. I’m just one of the lucky ones that they haven’t figured out yet._

“If your door is open tonight, I’ll come to you. If not-” he took a steadying breath and I gripped his coat a little tighter, “-I’ll know that you finally took my warning to heart.”

He made to step back again and this time I let him, watching him walk away. I hurriedly stepped outside, hoping the fresh (disgusting) air would clear the flush from my face.

_Ridiculous man, it’s already far too late for me..._ I drew a deep, shuddering breath. The giddy excitement that had overtaken me seemed to crash and shatter around me, leaving me nauseous and faintly shaking. I started my way back to the house, my hands shaking as the realization finally crashed over me properly. _Tonight’s the night, there’s no backing out now. He showed his cards and now the truth will out, one way or another._

I stopped at the bottom of the ladder, resting my head on one of the rungs as I tried to breathe through my anxiety. “Please, don’t let him hate me.”

I felt gentle, reassuring hands settle on my shoulders and back, stroking as I choked on a breath. Leo and Aster were there, coaxing me down before I collapsed, my breath coming too quick and short.

My vision was swimming and it felt suddenly like everything around me was moving too fast, even though reasonably I _knew_ that nothing was even moving _at all._

“We have you Silas, we’re right here.” Leo took my hand and squeezed, giving me something grounding to focus on.

“Shh, just try and breath Silas, you’re alright. We’ve got you.” Aster’s gentle voice pulled me a little further back from the edge of a total anxiety attack. He pulled me closer to him and had me lay my head over his heart, coaching me through matching our breathing, soothingly brushing my hair back.

Soon enough all three of us were breathing in sync and I felt a full-body shiver wrack through me.

“You need to go upstairs. Get something to drink and sit down in the library for a bit, okay?” Aster helped me sit up straight again as I nodded.

“Up we get.” Leo helped pull me to my feet. We took one look at the ladder and I keenly felt the way my legs and hands shook. “Let me?”

I nodded gratefully, stepping back as Leo easily maneuvered my body up the ladder and through to the house proper. We stopped briefly in the kitchen to get some tea and slice up an apple, before continuing to the library.

He sat down our things before letting me step back in and I gratefully collapsed onto the sofa.

_Please don’t leave._

_“Never.”_ Leo’s voice was firm and uncompromising. His arm wrapped around my shoulders as Aster held one of my hands. “You’ll never be alone Silas, not so long as any of us draw breath.”

My breath hitched on a sob as I breathed in and I quickly removed my glasses before I horribly smudged them. Aster set them on the side table just as Ava walked into the room, freezing as she caught sight of whatever mess my face was.

“Wh-?” I cut her off before she could ask, watching as she rushed around the couch to me.

“I’m telling Anders tonight.”

She froze for half a heartbeat before dropping to her knees in front of me and reaching out, I met her halfway and easily let her pull me from Leo and Aster’s arms into hers. My twin sister almost instantly grounding me in a way that even my cluster sometimes struggled to match.

“I’m proud of you,” she whispered, her arms tight and reassuring around me. “No matter what happens, I love you. I’ll always be in your corner, _always_.”

I just gave up and let myself slump into her after that, feeling safe and comforted in my sister’s arms, with my cluster sitting watch above us on the couch.

Ava started rocking back and forth, humming some tune or another that our parents probably sang us as kids.

When evening came I retreated to my room and waited. I could feel my cluster at the edges of my mind, warm and reassuring, and it kept my trembling from reasserting itself.

The anxiety felt like a rock in my gut as a million different scenarios played in my head.

Maker but I wanted this to go well.

The door clicking shut alerted me to the fact I had been standing, staring at the fire for longer than I’d meant.

“You came,” I whispered, watching Anders walk towards me.

His pace was slow, but his face showed a kind of resolution I admired. He stopped several feet away from me and we just watched each other for a few minutes.

I was struggling, trying to figure out how to do this. _Maker, why is this so hard?_

“Justice doesn’t approve of my obsession with you. He believes you’re a distraction,” he said it ruefully, a touch of self-depreciation coloring the little smirk that lifted a corner of his mouth. “It is one of the few things on which he and I disagree.”

We seemed to move at the same time then. I had never had such an awareness of someone else before, or well... someone that wasn’t my twin sister or in my head all the time.

“I’m glad you’re here.” I mentally cursed myself when my voice shook on the words. I saw Anders frown in concern, watching me even closer.

“When I was in the Circle, love was only a game.” He swallowed and stepped closer to me again, looking nervous now. “It gave the templars too much power if there was something you couldn’t stand to lose.”

I could feel Gale cringe in part of my head, but every other part of me was solely focused on the man in front of me as he stepped even closer.

His hand twitched like he wanted to reach for me, before he shook his head, turning slightly away from me as his eyes pinched closed.

“It would kill me to lose you.”

Those were the words that finally spurred me into action and I easily closed the distance between us, my hand reaching out to gently touch his chin, easing his head back towards me. “You aren’t going to lose me.”

He watched me, a soft, fragile thing in his eyes that made my breath hitch to see. Made the tremble start up in my hand again but for a different reason, as his own hand came up to cup the side of my face, pulling my mouth to his in another passionate kiss.

“No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love.” He spoke the words against my lips, like an infinitely precious thing. I felt my heart clench, helplessly falling even deeper for this man. “This is the rule I will most cherish breaking.”

I made a noise as he kissed me, my hands gripping his elbows as his hands cradled my face, so _infinitely_ gentle. I pressed close to him, the lines of our bodies fitting together seamlessly, like they were made to.

_Tell him, before this goes further and you hate yourself._ Leo’s voice whispered through my head and I cringed, breaking the kiss and pulling away.

“Fuck, Anders I have to-” I saw his expression fall and my stomach dropped, my hands coming up to try and touch him again, but he recoiled away from me. “No, wait, that’s not what I- Maker, what am I doing? This is all going completely backwards, fuck.”

I looked up, ready to try and explain things properly before I lost my nerve, or lost _him_. But he wasn’t listening to me just then. There was a spark of blue around his pupils and little shoots branching out at the edges of his face. He was wearing a frown I had seen a few times now, when he was arguing with Justice.

_Do you think that’s what we looked like in the beginning?_ I thought towards my cluster, before mentally slapping myself. _What do I do? I’ve fucked everything up!_

Before anyone could respond the light crackled out across his skin and Justice was standing in front of me, apparently very mad or offended, or something anyway, seeing as he was glaring at me hard enough that I was surprised I hadn’t caught fire.

_Oh shit,_ I thought, a touch hysterically. _Today really just isn’t the one for me, is it?_

"I warned Anders that he should not be distracted by you! That you would bring harm to him, harm to us. I was right.”

_Hm, don’t like the sound of that._

_Why the fuck is it that you’re so much calmer when being threatened by your boyfriend’s spirit tag-along, than you are just talking to him like a normal fucking person?_ Verannii asked me irritatedly, already preparing to subdue my glowy almost-lover.

“I will not allow you to harm him!” Anders hadn’t brought his staff into the bedroom with him, but I got the feeling Justice wouldn’t _really_ need it. I thought I could see the glow in in their eyes flicker now and then, and I desperately hoped it was because Anders was taking offense to Justice’s plan to off me.

“There has been a rather substantial miscommunication between the lot of us, and I will fully and easily admit, it is entirely because I’m an absolute idiot.” I tried to calm Justice, holding my hands up passively. “Would it really be very _just_ if you killed me while I stand here unarmed and nonthreatening?”

Justice’s eyes narrowed. “You _are_ a threat.”

_Well bollocks._

_Oh for fucks sake, move over!_ Shiv abruptly demanded, mentally shoving me out of the way and stepping into my place. She stood tall (or as tall as she could), one had on her hip and the other pointing at Justice.

“You listen real close Justice, ‘cause I’m only saying it _once_ and then I’m gonna kick your asses.” Her voice was cool and controlled, very Commander of the Grey. We all saw the instant Justice realized something had happened. “You’re gonna _stand down_ and let these two idiots talk this out, and _then_ you and me are gonna have our own fucking conversation at some point.”

He had straightened a bit from his aggressive stance and his face had went rather hilariously baffled. His head was tilted as he frowned, looking like he was trying to place something.

When Justice made no move to step down her eyes narrowed dangerously, a look stealing over her face that had the rest of us preemptively flinching and Justice’s eyebrows drawing up in slowly dawning surprise.

She strode forward, reached up to grasp his collar and _ yanked_ him towards her, unflinching at the way the blue sparks crackled over her fist.

“Even in misfortune, good can be found,” she quoted quietly, meeting his eyes as they widened. “You’re still in the body of a Grey Warden, and whatever reason you two idiots ran, I am still your Commander and I said _Stand. Down._”

And just like that Justice was gone, leaving Anders staring dazedly at Shiv as she sighed and patted his cheek. I got the sense he and Justice just suffered some very specific brand of whiplash.

“All three of you are stupid idiots, congratulations, I’m sure you’ll be very happy together” she said sarcastically, before just as abruptly stepping back with a muttered _dumbasses_ as she refocused on what she had been doing before our drama drew her complete attention.

I could hear Vera and Kasten cackling together as I stared at Anders, both of us wide-eyed. His mouth kept opening and closing.

“Um... So, that... wasn’t how I'd imagined this going.” I awkwardly started, my eyes nervously darting around the room.

“You’re a spider-mind,” Anders said, breathless like he hadn’t meant to actually speak, still staring at me in shock.

I visibly flinched and took a step back with a shuddering kind of breath, refusing to look at him. “Yes,” I whispered, fearing that anything louder would betray me.

“You- you share a mind with Commander Siobhan Brosca?” His question was just as quiet but I let Helaina cast a quick Zone of Silence anyway.

“This is what I was trying to tell you, before everything suddenly went to the Void,” I said softly, moving to sink down on the edge of my bed, staring at my clasped hands rather than meet his eyes.

“I thought you were going to tell me that this wasn’t what you’d wanted,” he admitted.

I snorted. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than I want _this_.” I risked a glance up at him and saw him peering at me with a closed off expression that made me cringe again, my gaze dropped back towards the floor as I curled into myself, my shoulders hunched and fists clenched.

“Who else knows?” He asked carefully and I heard him move a little closer.

“Just you and Ava.”

I was shaking again, the anxiety attack Aster and Leo talked me down from earlier building back up hard and fast. I was legitimately concerned I might throw up and closed my eyes in an attempt to minimize the way the room spun around me.

A palm brushed my forehead and I jerked away almost violently, my eyes snapping open to meet Anders’ amber eyes, full of concern. I froze as his hand met my skin again, feeling a little burst of healing magic flow through me.

It hurt almost more than if he had attacked.

My eyes squeezed shut again. “Please say something,” I begged, quiet as a breath.

I felt him move in front of me, his hand sliding from my head to my neck. I opened my eyes again and saw him half crouched in front of me, his thumb moved to rub gentle circles into my jaw.

He was watching me with an odd sort of appraising look.

“How many?”

“Eight, not counting me.”

He breathed out slowly, sitting back on his haunches and dropping his hand to my knee. I realized suddenly that he was trying to reassure me that he wasn’t... wasn’t disgusted or repulsed. I tentatively slipped my hand into his where it rested and he squeezed, I almost broke down right then.

“Well, that certainly explains why you get so scatter-brained sometimes,” he mused, a little playful smirk titling up one corner of his mouth. “You definitely have me beat."

That actually made me laugh, even if there was still an edge of panic to it. I swallowed around the lump in my throat, tentatively reaching out to Anders with my other hand, he sat up and leaned in towards me, letting my hand slide around to the back of his head.

“Anders?” My voice was as shaky as my hands, carefully meeting his eyes in question.

“I told you once that I would drown the city in blood to protect you, I wasn’t being sarcastic sweetheart,” he said slowly, carefully, both of us unsure of where we stood. “I’d like to ask more questions, later, but this doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

I made an embarrassing high-pitched noise in my throat before pulling him up to kiss me again. This kiss was as desperate as our first, but this time I was the frantic one, feeling practically feverish as I pulled him as close to me as possible. I overbalanced us at one point and just let myself fall backward onto the bed, pulling him down on top of me, not breaking the kiss once.

Before I knew it we were both scrambling to pull each other’s clothes off, with me practically growling in frustration as I tried to unbuckle his damn coat and push it off his shoulders.

We came together just as frantically, both of us desperate to reaffirm the other’s place in our affections. It was messy and rushed and perfect, and as I lay there panting afterwards I knew I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to leave a comment, I always reply and they make my week! ^^  
Let me know if you see any spelling/grammar errors, especially any fuck-ups with 1st person (my mortal enemy). Sorry if you see any weird spacing, for some reason AO3 hates me and constantly thinks we need more space so... (I think I fixed it but) ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [ElvhenWitch](http://www.elvhenwitch.tumblr.com) ♥ Visual aid can be found [HERE.](http://elvhenwitch.tumblr.com/post/173458764441/because-ive-finally-started-posting-sense8-au)


	2. Confessions Are Nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little follow up.  
CW: Gets steamy towards the end.

When I woke up it was still dark out, just past midnight or so (according to someone in my head that I was too groggy to name just yet). I squinted against the bright light of the fire, momentarily confused that it wasn’t ashes yet.

I started shifting around to get up but the arm wrapped around my waist tightened before I could move too far. _Ah, so that's why the fire is still going,_ I thought, closing my eyes in content.

I felt lips brush a gentle kiss to my neck, just behind my ear and I couldn't have stopped my sappy smile if I wanted too. I hummed encouragingly and felt the lips quirk up in their own smile.

The arm around me loosened enough that I could turn over, rolling closer to him in the process, our noses brushing together before I moved back a few inches. Though, not before pressing kiss of my own to the tip of that handsome nose. I felt him shake in silent laughter, a helplessly besotted smile on his face

We must have made quite the pair. 

"Hello," I whispered, my hand coming up to brush his mussed hair back, letting my hand settle lightly on the nape of his neck.

His smile turned soft and sweet, and his arm tightened around me again. He leaned in to press a sweet kiss to my lips before pulling back again, watching my face as he said, just as quietly; “I love you.” 

I could feel my smile splitting my face again and I pushed up on my elbow to get a better angle to kiss him properly. “I love you too,” I say in between kisses, only pulling back to cup his jaw and press kisses to the rest of his face. 

He sighs contentedly into the affection, his hand coming up from my waist settle at the center of my back. “I’ve wanted to say that for so long,” he whispers like a confession, and I press even closer so that I can tuck his head under my chin, his lips resting just off center of my pulse, close to more than a few love-bites I’m sure. “You deserve a normal life; I didn’t want you to be tied down to a fugitive with no future.” 

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and run my fingers through his hair, feeling him almost instantly sag into the gentle motions. “Anders, you are my future as far as I'm concerned.” I feel so much calmer and sure of myself, now that he knows about me and the others, now that he’s _ accepted _ me. I feel like I could take on the Arishok right now. “Besides, normal was never an option for me love, you know that now.” 

“I don’t think I could bare to leave you anyway,” he admits. 

“Then don’t. Stay here, with me,” I say, unthinking. “You’d be safer here anyway, and that way I could make sure you were eating properly and getting enough sleep.” 

It took a second for my head to catch up with my mouth, and when it did Anders had gone still in my arms and I was mentally cursing myself out. 

_ Well that was fast and inelegant, even for you, _ I thought. 

Anders pulled back so that he could see my face, but I wasn’t going to take the offer back. I _ did _ want him here with me, and I did want to take care of him. 

“Do you mean that?” He asked, a happily dumfounded little smile on his face. “You would have me stay here, live with you?” 

“Of course,” I said. “Though admittedly it wouldn’t be quite as intimate as I made it sound, seeing as there’s also Ava and Mother, and Bodhan and San- _mmf!_” 

If kissing me was going to become his go-to method of stopping my rambling, I wouldn’t complain. 

“Would you tell the world, the knight-commander, that you love an apostate and would stand beside him?” There was something in his tone and words that I couldn’t understand, something desperate in his expression that I wanted to soothe and reassure. 

“Yes,” I said fiercely. “I want you right here beside me, for as long as you’ll have me. Which will be forever if I have any say.” 

His expression was heartbreaking; shocked disbelief, stark longing and _ relief _. It made me pull him close again, our lips meeting in a desperate rush. 

“Three years,” he mumbles against me, hands slipping back towards my hips to pull us flush. “Three years you’ve haunted nearly my every thought.” 

I gasp into his mouth as his hips thrust against mine. He takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss, pushing me back against the bed and slipping one of his thighs between mine, leaning close into my side as I bury a hand in his hair. 

“For_ three_ _years_, I’ve lain awake every night, aching for you.” His mouth is at my neck again, sucking and biting more marks under my jaw. “I’m still half terrified that I’ll wake up.” 

I’m already panting as we roll our hips together, his mouth nipping kisses across my jaw. I use my hands in his hair to pull his mouth back up to mine. 

“I want to hear everything,” I say breathlessly. “Every word, every want, every dream you’ve held back. I want all of it Anders.” 

He moans against me and I roll us over. I swing one of my legs over him and straddle his too-bony hips, my hands running up his sharp ribs, caressing his skin. 

“After all,” I say, mischievous now. My lips land close to his ear as I take hold of us both, savoring the wrecked sound he makes as I stroke. “I have three years to make up for.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So normally I'd put this in it's own entry, but I figured since this takes place literally immediately after the other one (like maybe 6-7 hours after), it'd just be easier to do this. SO! Here we are lol.
> 
> That's like... as close to smut as I've ever written so I'm kinda proud of myself! Hopefully it doesn't read cringey lmao.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to leave a comment, I always reply and they make my week! ^^  
Let me know if you see any spelling/grammar errors, especially any fuck-ups with 1st person (my mortal enemy). Sorry if you see any weird spacing, for some reason AO3 hates me and constantly thinks we need more space so... (I think I fixed it but) ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [ElvhenWitch](http://www.elvhenwitch.tumblr.com) ♥ Visual aid can be found [HERE.](http://elvhenwitch.tumblr.com/post/173458764441/because-ive-finally-started-posting-sense8-au)


End file.
